The Family + Friends Discount. To give or not to give?

Photo by: Asenat29

Entrepreneurship guru, Marie Forleo, released another brilliant Q&A video this week: The Friends and Family Discount Dilemma.

The video got me thinking about the dilemma from the lens of being a musician.

As musicians, we’re often asked to give, even expected to give free & discounted services to our family and friends.

The question of whether to give or not to give is really kind of moot since the amount of variables shifts so widely from one experience to the other.

However, there are some things to consider.

I think as musicians/creatives we’re often asked to give hook-ups because people have difficulty seeing what we do as our Business and Life Work (which for most of us, it is).

They see making/teaching music as something we enjoy doing (which it is) which means, why wouldn’t we want to do it for free or at a discount?

In my mind, the spirit of the exchange is doomed to begin with since the value of what you’re doing is already degraded.

There’s gifting out of love and handing over out of guilt.

Here are the questions I ask myself to determine the difference in my giving or not giving of my musical services:

• Does this make me feel 100% happy + juicy to do this?
• Do I feel like what I’m doing is being fully appreciated in its value?
• Does this prevent me from taking on other work that would be fully paid for and appreciated?
• Am I doing this because I really want to or because I feel like I “should”?

And here are some real-life instances that have happened in my life with friends and family and the conclusions I’ve made about what to do & say.

Instance #1:

A family member asks me to do them a favor and sing on a special concert they’re involved in. Ordinarily, I would charge for such a performance. However, it’s a one-time performance, one song, and it’s that family member’s birthday the day of the concert.

Conclusion: Yes.

I do it for free as a birthday gift of appreciation & affection. And it’s given and received in that sentiment.

Instance #2:

A family member/friend asks me to give them lessons for free. “Oh you won’t do free? What about at a discount?”

Conclusion: No.

I carefully plan and organize my schedule and take on only dedicated students. To give lessons at a lesser rate or for free prevents other people from receiving coaching.

“If you’d like to study with me at my rate, let’s make sure I’m the person you want, you’re the kind of student I take on, and determine whether we would work well together.”

Again, sometimes non-professional musicians will have a hard time seeing and appreciating that your musical work is your life work and business.

As musicians, we’ve put many more hours into the service we offer than nearly any other profession.

Malcom Gladwell’s 10,000 hours? Try 20,000 hours I’ve put into the piano.

Would you ask a family lawyer to handle your divorce for free or accountant friend to do your weekly bookkeeping for free?

Probably not.

(By the way, Marie gives a great script in her video about what to say to a friend or family member in this instance.)

And, from personal experience, people will show less commitment to things they pay very little for or don’t have to pay for. That wastes my time and their time. The family member/friend is better off paying for lessons so they step up their game and receive maximum benefit from the experience.

Instance #3:

A friend wants lessons for her daughter. She can’t afford lessons though and asks if I’d be interested in another arrangement. Possibly a trade?

Conclusion: Maybe Yes.

One time, I did a wonderful trade with a friend of a friend for lessons. I received amazing body work (massages at an upscale spa) for weekly lessons.

Not all trades I’d consider, but for the right people and the right trade this can be a great way to work with friends/family that might otherwise be able to work with you.

Instance #4:

A musician friend wants to collaborate on a concert. It seems like fun and I’d get to work with my friend. Do I think about doing it for free?

Conclusion: No.

First of all, most of my friends ARE musicians and most of the people I work with I consider my friends. If I started doing everything for free that involved my friends, my income would take a nosedive!

Second, money is energy. Money is not a bad thing. Money is a sign of appreciation and service. Money is a form of energy just like words.

If you feel guilty about taking money, use this as an opportunity to examine your relationship with money and how that could be affecting your life.

Do you hate paying people for services? Start trying to pay in the spirit of thankfulness and abundance when you write a check to your chiropractor, veterinarian, local farmer, massage therapist, dentist, etc…

It’s a beautiful thing to give and receive money in gratitude about the enjoyment/benefit you got giving or receiving a service.